I’ve spent the last 5 months in absolute bliss. I’ve felt “normal” and as much as I try not to use that word it’s the only way I can describe it. I felt quieter, calmer, and more free. I didn’t feel bullied or trapped by my own mind.
My boyfriend and I moved into a lovely house with more space and a garden. There was an epic heatwave, we ate our dinners (and breakfasts!) outside in our sun trap, we had friends and family over. I got a promotion at work, and then I got a new job. Things couldn’t be going any better.
And then I noticed I wasn’t replying to people’s texts. I was feeling irritable. I wasn’t eating properly and I couldn’t be bothered to cook dinner. Lastly, I realised that my spending had got a little out of control again.
My moment of realising I was in a bad place mentally was when a load of parcels turned up that I had ordered online. I literally couldn’t remember ordering them, I didn’t know what they were. When I opened it it happened to be things that were on my list to get in preparation for Christmas, that I had gone out and bought that morning.
I was completely disengaged and it was too late to stop it.
So I crumbled. In the last few days since that moment I haven’t been quite the same. It’s like there was a small crack in the surface and slowly more and more negative thoughts have snuck through, creating a gaping hole. Now it’s a fucking volcano. The black lava is slowly engulfing all of my positive thoughts, and where there was so much space the last few months it feels heavy again.
I’m not sure what the trigger is (if anything) however I do know that I’m having flashbacks to my abusive relationship quite frequently and it’s like the memory of his voice is getting louder in my head. The memories are becoming more vivid. It’s two years on and the worst is yet to come which I think is what scares me most.
I’m not going to lie, I’m freaking out. I’m trying my best to stay positive and stay strong, but I’m tired. I really didn’t see this coming at all and I know that the more I worry it’s going to get worse the more I’m feeding the negative thoughts. But they are so strong this time.
More than anyone I should know that healing and mental illness is not linear. There will be ups and downs. But I never expected it to hit me this suddenly and this quickly.
I always said that this blog was to provide an honest and candid story of someone suffering with mental illness so I think it’s important I share this. I don’t have any answers for getting through it right now, but I will of course start up my gratitude lists and try to get to the gym. I’ll do all the right things in the hope that I can manage this and get back to my strong, content self as quickly as possible.